11 Painful Things
by Nash Nine
Summary: Furihata was such an idiot. He knew what kind of person Akashi was. He knew he would get hurt but he still let him in. And Akashi broke him. AkaFuri. Really Angst-y
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Furihata was such an idiot. He knew what kind of person Akashi was. He knew he would get hurt but he still let him in. And Akashi broke him.

* * *

Chapter 1: Of Knives and Blood

There was something about pain that Furihata grew to like.

He didn't know if it was the scorching feeling that flows through his veins as the knife attaches itself into his skin or the feeling of release as the blood starts dripping from his arm. Furihata didn't know why he started doing this but he did know it was a lot better than feeling nothing at all.

He didn't remember why he started doing this to himself but he still remembered the feeling. It was really daunting, holding the knife, his fist shaking with fear and excitement, his knuckle turning white from the pain. And then, when the knife finally slashed through his skin, leaving a beautiful jagged mark in its wake, and the blood starts pouring, making a small puddle of red sea in the bathroom floor, it was the most addicting feeling ever.

And like a moth to a flame, Furihata kept coming back.

At the beginning, it was just once a month. But after the stress of academics, basketball, family, and friends became too much to bear, the months quickly turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to days, until it spiraled out of control and Furihata could no longer grasp nor understand his need for self-harm.

By now, his arms were full of scars and marks, so he began wearing jackets and long sleeves. He was fortunate it was still winter season but he knew sooner or later someone's going to start asking questions. He knew that people were starting to worry about him. He noticed Kagami's worried glances at the hallway, Kuroko's piercing stare at the back of the room, Coach Riko's blatant disappointment every time he didn't attend practice, but he just couldn't stop.

Pain was like cocaine to him. The feeling of adrenaline rushing through his veins he once found in playing basketball has been dulled by his knife.

It was like second nature to him, to always bring his Swiss army knife. He had become so dependent to it that he always feels naked without the knife.

There were days when he would look at himself in the mirror and flinch with what he saw. The numerous jagged marks across his arms, the pale look on his face, the cold glint in his eyes, it all added up. Furihata looks at a mirror and all he could see was broken remains. Nothing worth saving.

So when he saw Akashi in the park today, looking like he was fine and perfect as usual. Furihata's entire body screamed at him to run and go straight home. Every part of his body was telling him to stab and cut and torture himself over and over again.

But of course, nothing ever escaped Akashi's emperor eyes. He quickly noticed Furihata and smiled at him, going over to the bench Furihata was sitting on. Akashi's smile was so nice and perfect and unattached, like he wasn't the one that broke Furihata in the first place. It physically hurt him to see that smile, and it burned Furihata to know that Akashi could smile like that while he couldn't even bring himself to stop abusing his body.

"Kouki," Akashi started, "it's been a while. "

Furihata just wanted to run away from Akashi and lock himself away to drown in his miseries again but Akashi broke him and he wanted Akashi to know that he didn't matter to Furihata anymore, even if it was just a lie. So Furihata tried to muster the biggest and happiest smile he could make and cheerfully said, "Akashi-kun, I didn't know you were going to town today. You look great."

Akashi observed him for a while,"Kuorko called me here. He was getting worried about you. He said you stopped attending basketball practice."

 _How dare you say that, after all that you've done to me?_ His mind kept screaming the thought. His insides were starting to boil with rage; he felt bile starting to rise up. It almost broke his mask but he kept his smile and his shoulders high. He would die before Akashi saw him suffering. "Yeah, well, I've just been really busy lately," he responded. "You know what that's like right?" Furihata couldn't stop the biting remark that came out of him.

Akashi looked surprised for a moment but he quickly schooled his expressions. _Same old Akashi,_ Furihata thought as he observed him, but it still brought him a smile to know that he had at least been able to affect Akashi. It was shallow but Furihata guessed he was petty like that.

"Kouki, Kuroko's just worried about you, and so am I. You need to take better care of yourself. Its winter and you're sweating. Who does that?"

Furihata felt the bile starting to rise up from him again. He just wanted to go home. "It's fine, really. I'm just busy, that's all." When he noticed Akashi was going to say something again, he quickly intervened, "Listen, I really need to go home now. You know how it is, assignment and all that, but it was really nice seeing you again, Akashi-kun."

Furihata left, not letting Akashi speak and leaving him behind.

* * *

The way back home was a complete blur. The only thing he could feel was the shaking of his shoulders, the combusting of his lungs like they were about to pop, and the beating of his heart, urging him to hurry up.

When the knife finally slashed him, he still felt nothing. It had no effect on him.

So with a force only a desperate man could have, he slashed, cut, and stabbed himself over and over again until he became a heap of blood and tears on the floor. He abused himself over and over again until there was nothing else but pain.

But that didn't satisfy him in the least. He still remembered how Akashi looked so well, like they didn't break up just a month ago. He looked like he was so content with his life. And knowing that Akashi was completely fine without him, that his world would continue turning, it made him felt completely and utterly useless.

It was like Furihata was breaking all over again.

And like the coward he was, Furihata blocked every single of his problem using pain. He used it as an excuse to continue torturing himself. He used it as a shield to stop himself from ever feeling anything else but pain.

He took pain in his palm and clutched it tight until it grew larger and larger and finally swallowed him whole until there was nothing but darkness.

And Furihata welcomed it wholeheartedly.

* * *

When Furihata woke up, the first thing he saw was the ceiling. Quickly observing that he wasn't in his apartment anymore, he began to panic.

* * *

 _ **to be continued...**_

* * *

 _Chapter 2_

 _It wasn't often that Akashi felt afraid but that didn't mean he doesn't know what it felt like._

 _Afraid was seeing his mother in agony as cancer left her body useless. Afraid was the daunting realization that he wasn't absolute. Afraid was looking at his father only to see the shell of a man who lost his wife. He knew all too well what it was like to be afraid._

 _But seeing Kouki passed out on the floor, blood decorating the lower walls and the floor and even Kouki himself, realizing that his pulse was weak and was so close to death, that wasn't being afraid._

 _Akashi was outright terrified._

 _But knowing that Furihata was the one who did this to himself, and knowing that it was all Akashi's fault. That was torture._

* * *

 **Author's notes: That was really angst-y, wasn't it? Please review :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Of Guilt and Desperation

Summary: Maybe Akashi could make mistakes as well

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Chapter 2:Of Guilt and Desperation

It wasn't often that Akashi felt afraid but that didn't mean he doesn't know what it felt like.

Afraid was seeing his mother in agony as cancer left her body useless. Afraid was the daunting realization that he wasn't absolute. Afraid was looking at his father only to see the shell of a man who lost his wife. He knew all too well what it was like to be afraid.

But seeing Kouki passed out on the floor, blood decorating the lower walls and the floor and even Kouki himself, realizing that his pulse was weak and was so close to death, that wasn't being afraid.

Akashi was outright terrified.

But knowing that Furihata was the one who did this to himself, and knowing that it was all Akashi's fault. That was torture.

The image of Kouki's frail body limp, bloody, and broken was forever seared into his mind, torturing him and shouting at him.

Why didn't he do better? He was supposed to do better.

Akashi thought that by leaving Kouki, it would make things better. Dear God, it was supposed to make things better. He was supposed to be happy without Akashi. And he would be content with watching Kouki behind the shadows.

But Akashi should have known better. Every time. . . He would break everything that he had ever loved.

And Kouki? Akashi had loved him the most.

Akashi had loved him so much, so much that it was consuming him. He was scared of the way he loved Kouki. It petrified him to think of a world without Kouki in it. And it was a weakness, it was crack on his invincible armor. But in the end, it didn't matter, because Akashi loved Kouki. And that was it, no more no less.

And now he's in a hospital, ugly, scornful marks adorning his arms. All because of him. All because he was too damn selfish to let go

* * *

Akashi knew there was something wrong with Kouki. He was being more withdrawn these past few days. It was like he was hiding something from him. Akashi sees it even though Kouki doesn't realize it yet. He sees it in the way he hides the dead and dull gaze behind his cheerful and glowy eyes. He sees it in the way a shiver would escape Kouki's body every time he sees a razor or a knife. He sees it in the way Kouki moves, almost lifeless and bored, like he was tired of living. Akashi sees it in the way Kouki looks at a knife longingly and cluth his arm.

He sees it but he pretends not to.

Akashi entertains the idea that he might be wrong. Never in his life, had he wanted to be wrong. He was that desperate to be ignorant. He was that desperate to believe that Kouki wouldn't do that to himself.

They were almost there. Akashi thought their relationship had gotten better, that Kouki was getting better. Akashi knew that Kouki didn't come from the best of environment. He didn't know the full story but Akashi knew that whatever Kouki had gone through in the past, it had left him broken.

It left him weak and scared. It left him stuttering and shaking at every foreign things he encounter. It left him with a wall so high, it took everything Akashi had just to make a dent.

And Akashi knew that Furihat was tired of their relationship. He could see the signs, Kouki responded to his call far less often now, and when he did answer, it would take no longer than five minutes before assignments or teammates or family disrupt their conversation. Akashi knew that being in a long distance relationship was hard. It took effort and persistence but he was willing to try for Kouki. Because for the first time in a long time, Akashi had felt something akin to love. And it grew stronger and stronger with every smile and laugh.

But it felt like he was the only one making an effort now. And he knew Kouki, he might be broken but he was selfless. So stupidly selfless. That's why he eased Kouki's burden. And Akashi let go.

Akashi thought that he was holding Kouki back from getting better. He thought that Kouki would be better off without him. He thought Kouki was strong enough to fix himself.

Akashi thought wrong.

* * *

But now looking at Kouki, seeing the marks that adorned his arms, it made Akashi's stomach churned with guilt. Those marks were ugly, they were ruining Kouki's image.

And Akashi thought that maybe he was wrong again. Maybe Kouki did need his help after all. Not to fix himself but to help collect the broken pieces. And if some goes missing, Akashi has enough pieces to spare.

Bu then again, maybe it was just the guilt and desperation talking.

* * *

 _tbc..._

* * *

 _Chapter 3_

 _Furihata didn't know where he went wrong._

 _Maybe it was when he first saw his Father beating up his Mother. He remembered the terror and anger he felt back then. He also remebered his mother's hateful gaze carving its way through his soul._


End file.
